


The Misadventures of SSSN

by CaptainTucker



Category: RWBY
Genre: Agender Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-02-19 11:05:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 11,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2386076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainTucker/pseuds/CaptainTucker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of drabbles of SSSN doing stupid shit and getting into trouble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Supermarket Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was requested by char7es96.tumblr.com. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to send them in at my tumblr, oh-fuckberries.tumblr.com!  
> A floor plan of the house SSSN live in for all my drabbles can be found here - oh-fuckberries.tumblr.com/post/98972633246  
> This chapter was inspired by an edit I made here - oh-fuckberries.tumblr.com/post/98378488776

Sun, Scarlet and Neptune have been wandering around this supermarket for ten minutes now, trying to find all the ingredients they need to make this stupid cake for Sage’s birthday.

Scarlet had torn the list up into two pieces before they came in, thinking that the three of them could get all the ingredients sooner if they split up, but they’d forgotten to take into account that sometimes Sun and Neptune were Dust damned _idiots_.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, Neptune, what does this do?” Sun asks, reaching out to flick the black lever on a container of coffee beans.

Neptune watches in horror as beans start pouring out over the bench.

“Holy shit, I cannot believe you actually just did that,” he whispers, staring at the pile of beans as it grows larger and larger, clattering noisily off the edge of the bench and onto the floor.

“It was an accident!” Sun hisses.

“No, an accident would be if you knocked it with your elbow or something!” Neptune hisses back, looking around wildly for something to pick up the coffee beans with.

“Hey! What do you kids think you’re doing?!” the clerk says as he rounds the corner and spots the mess they’ve made.

“Run!” Neptune shrieks, abandoning the trolley and sprinting down the aisle. Sun follows very quickly, sliding and nearly taking out the rack at the end of the aisle as he takes the corner. They bolt for the door, leaving a trail off knocked over products on the floor behind them, and nearly going through the door when it doesn’t open fast enough.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, you! Are you with them?” Scarlet hears an angry voice behind them say. They turn and come face-to-face with the red-faced shop clerk, who is pointing at Sun and Neptune, who are hightailing it across the car park. Scarlet sighs internally. What on earth have the idiots done this time?

“Sorry,” they say, looking back at the clerk. “I’ve never seen them before in my life.”

Now, which aisle was the sugar in?


	2. Parkour

Sun sprints to the edge of the building and throws himself off, catching onto the railing of a balcony two storeys below and then jumping, flipping, and swinging his way down to the very bottom of the building. Sage follows close behind him, choosing instead to drop down level by level, catching himself firmly each time on the railings of the balconies. Scarlet and Neptune slide to a halt at the edge of the roof, peer over the edge, look back at each other, and promptly decide that there is no way in hell they’re doing that. They head instead for opposite ends of the building, Neptune going for the emergency ladder at the front, and Scarlet heading for the stairs at the back.

Neptune climbs down three rungs, then braces his feet against either side of the ladder and slides the rest of the way down, careful to keep his fingertips away from the metal.

Scarlet, down the other end of the building, takes the first flight of stairs in one jump, then turns and does the same again down the second flight. One storey down, nine to go.

When they jump down the last set of stairs, however, they catch their foot on a piece of broken metal that’s sticking out of the railings at the bottom of the stairs. They trip forward, flip over the edge of the railing, and fall a storey down into a dumpster with a loud thud. Sun, Sage, and Neptune all watch on in fascinated horror.

There’s silence, for a minute, and then Scarlet’s voice floats out of the bin.

“Parkour.”


	3. Stuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING - this chapter has interaction that is can be taken as either romantic seamonkeys or very, very, very close platonic seamonkeys. Please do not read if you do not enjoy these kind of interactions.

“Hey Sun,” Neptune says, walking past the stairs and waving up at Sun, who’s sitting at the top of the stairs with his head poking through the rails.

“Hey Neptune.” Sun replies, waving blithely as Neptune heads into the kitchen.

Half a minute later, Neptune’s head shoots up from where he’s pouring himself a juice, and his eyes narrow. He puts down the juice, and backtracks out of the kitchen to the bottom of the stairs.

“Hey Sun,” he asks, looking up at Sun, who’s in the exact same position as before. “Are you stuck?”

“No!” Sun says, scoffing at the idea. “I think I know better than to put my head where it might get _stuck_ , thank you very much.”

Neptune crosses his arms, and stares up at Sun. Sun fidgets, and squirms, and looks anywhere but Neptune.

“Okay, fine, _yes_ , I’m stuck!” Sun says finally. “It was an accident!”

“That’s what you say every time you get stuck!” Neptune says, throwing his hands up. “Why do you keep sticking parts of you in places they shouldn’t be!?”

“I can’t help it! I’m naturally curious!” Sun argues.

“What could you have to be curious about _here_?” Neptune asks. “We’ve all lived here for nearly a year and a half! There is nothing to be curious about! And for that matter, what were you curious about when you got stuck in that bin at the park, and the railings at the zoo, and _inside the Dust damned vending machine?_ ”

“Okay, you know as well as I do that you wanted to stick your hand into that enclosure _just_ as much as I did,” Sun says, narrowing his eyes down at Neptune.

“But I didn’t actually do it!” Neptune exclaims.

“Just help me out of here, will you?” Sun says, futilely trying to pull his head back through the bars.

“Unbelievable.” Neptune mutters, turning and heading back into the kitchen.

“Neptune? Hey Neptune, where are you going? DON’T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS NEPTUNE!” Sun yells after him.

“I’M COMING BACK,” Neptune yells, pulling open the pantry doors. “Stupid, idiotic, dumb idiot who doesn’t know better than to not stick his head in between the Dust damned railings.” he mutters to himself, rooting around for the olive oil.

“I CAN HEAR YOU.” Sun yells.

“GOOD, MAYBE YOU’LL LISTEN TO WHAT I’M SAYING AND STOP PUTTING BODY PARTS IN PLACES THEY DON’T BELONG!” Neptune yells back, pulling out the olive oil. He shuts the pantry doors with a little more force than necessary, then strides back out to the hallway and up the stairs.

Sun is still trying to pull his head out, his hands and feet braced against the railings as he hauls back.

“Stop it, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Neptune says, kicking Sun’s left foot off the railing and then pushing Sun forward enough that the thinnest part of Sun’s neck is in between the rails. He unscrews the cap of the olive oil and drops it on the top of the rail, then holds the bottle upside down over Sun’s head.

“Neptune! Neptune, no! It’s cold!” Sun squeals, trying to squirm away.

“Hold still.” Neptune says, continuing to pour.

Sun moans and whines, but Neptune doesn’t stop until the back of Sun’s head and neck is well covered with oil. Then he tips the bottle back up the right way, puts the lid back on, and puts the bottle on the floor, well away from possible disaster. He hopes.

Then, he starts rubbing the oil in, trying to cover all the bits that are going to be in the way when they try and pull Sun’s head out.

“Neeeep, it’s sliiiiimyyyyy,” Sun moans, slumping down as trails of oil slide down his face and neck.

“Well, you should have thought of that before you stuck your head through railings.” Neptune tells him firmly, rubbing the oil over the sides of Sun’s head.

“IT WENT IN MY EAR!” Sun screeches, suddenly scrambling to try and pull himself out again.

“Hold _still,_ ” Neptune says impatiently, grabbing the waistband of Sun’s jeans and lifting them high enough that Sun’s feet are only scraping at the ground, and not getting any grip. “We’re nearly done, just _stop moving_.”

“It went in my eeeeaaaaaarrrrrr,” Sun mumbles, slumping back down again when Neptune lets go. Neptune wipes his hands off on the rails beside Sun’s head, then wipes off all the excess onto the back of Sun’s shirt. It needs to be washed anyway, what’s a little more oil?

Then he grabs the railing to the left of Sun’s head with both hands, and braces his foot against the other railing, just below Sun’s chin.

“Okay, when I count to three, you pull back as hard as you can, alright?” Neptune says. Sun nods frantically.

“Okay. One, two, three!”

Neptune pushes and pulls against the railings as hard as he can, and Sun does the same, bracing his feet against the railings again and straining hard. It takes nearly ten seconds, but eventually Sun’s head slowly slides past the railings, and then he’s out.

“I’m _free_!” he cheers, throwing his arms up in celebration.

“Yeah, yeah, congratulations,” Neptune says, standing up and nudging Sun with his foot. “Now go get in the shower. You’re going to get oil everywhere.”

“It’s really icky,” Sun says, climbing to his feet and ducking into the bathroom. Neptune hears him turn the shower on, and he turns around, ready to head down to the kitchen to grab some grease cleaner and paper towel, and get all the oil cleaned up.

“Hey Nep?” he hears behind him.

“Yeah?” he asks, turning around.

Sun darts out of the bathroom, and grabs Neptune’s shoulders to pull him down slightly and give him a peck on the cheek.

“Thanks,” he says, before scurrying back into the bathroom.

Neptune blinks a few times, before he turns back around and heads down the stairs, blushing. Stupid dumb monkey.


	4. Spooks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please go to oh-fuckberries.tumblr.com/post/98972633246 for the floor plan of the house that SSSN lives in for all my fics.

“I think Sage is trying to pull a prank on me,” Neptune says as he enters the kitchen and throws his bag down in the corner.

“Yeah?” Scarlet says absently, poking at the muffins they’ve just pulled out of the oven. They’re _supposed_ to be muffins, at least. They’ve kind of exploded everywhere. Scarlet’s not quite sure where they went wrong.

“Yeah. He’s been following me around dressed up like that Slender thing all day,” Neptune replies, sitting down at the table and picking up one of the muffins from the _first_ batch Scarlet made. He bites it, then slowly puts it down when his teeth make an ominous cracking noise. Yeah, Scarlet’s not really sure what went wrong with those ones either.

“What? No he hasn’t,” Scarlet says, tossing the tray of ruined muffins onto the table next to the other four.

“Uh, yes he has?” Neptune says, blinking. “I keep seeing him everywhere.”

“Neptune, Sage went to visit his sister this morning,” Scarlet says, pulling out the flour and starting to measure out another cup. They _will_ make these muffins properly. “I saw him off myself.”

Neptune blinks. “Wait, what?”

“Sage isn’t here,” Scarlet repeats, scraping the excess flour off the top of the cup. “He hasn’t been here all day, and he’s not getting back until tonight.”

“But….if he’s not here, then who’s been following me?” Neptune asks, sitting up straight.

Scarlet shrugs. “Maybe you’ve just been imagining things?” they ask, pouring the flour into the bowl.

“No, I’m pretty sure I’d know if I was seeing things,” Neptune says, tapping his foot nervously.

Something moving in the corner of his eye catches his attention, and he looks over to the window, then jumps out of his chair, shrieking.

“Look! There he is!” he yells, pointing at the window. Scarlet turns to look at him, then follows his finger to the window. They stare for a second or two, then turn back to Neptune.

“Neptune,” they say seriously. “There’s nothing there.”

“What do you mean there’s nothing there?” Neptune asks, eyes wide.

“I mean,” Scarlet says, “That there’s nothing in the window.”

“But he’s _right there_!” Neptune exclaims.

“You know, Nep,” Scarlet says, turning back to their bowl. “If you’re seeing someone there, and it’s not Sage, it might actually be Slenderman. Careful, I hear once you see him he doesn’t stop until he gets you.”

Neptune pales, then hightails it out of the kitchen, grabbing his bag on the way.

Scarlet starts laughing when they hear Neptune’s door slam shut, and picks up the bag of chocolate chips.

“That was _awesome_ , Sage,” they say, pushing open the window. “He’s going to be jumping at shadows for at least a week.”

“Hm? What’d you say Scarlet?” Sage asks, poking his head through the kitchen door. Scarlet stops laughing and looks at him, then back at the window, where the figure’s still standing, then back to Sage again. Then they drop the bag of chocolate chips and bolt out the kitchen, shrieking. Sage watches as they run up the stairs, try to open the door to Neptune’s room and go through it at the same time, bounce off the door, then finally get it open and run inside, still screaming as they slam it shut behind them. Then he turns back to the figure standing in the window.

“Good job Sun,” he says, walking into the kitchen and picking up one of the muffins. “You can take it off now.”

Sun yanks the headpiece off, and gasps dramatically.

“It is _so hot_ in this thing,” he says, pulling the jacket off over his head and dumping it in through the window. “And this suit is so uncomfortable. I don’t know why people wear them all the time.”

Sage shrugs, taking a bite of the muffin. It’s a little bit crunchy. “They do look good.”

“But they feel like you’re wearing thirty layers! And they’re so _stiff_.” Sun complains, pulling off the pants and nearly falling off the box he’s standing on. He throws the pants through the window, then climbs through himself.

“And this stupid _neck trap_ ,” he grumbles, tugging off the tie and the shirt, then working his way out of the white spandex bodysuit, leaving him standing in his boxers.

“I’m never wearing anything like this again,” he vows, balling all the clothes up and dumping them in Sage’s arms. “Ever.”

"Don't forget to put the box away," Sage says, tucking the clothes under one arm. They'll need to be washed and put away before Scarlet and Neptune work up the guts to come out of Neptune's room.

"Yeah, got it." Sun says, leaning out the window and fishing the box up, then walking over to tuck it into the bottom of the pantry where it came from. "How long do you think it'll be before they stop jumping every time they see a black suit?"

"Probably at least a week," Sage replies, smiling.

"I love pranks," Sun says, grinning back.


	5. Tickets

“How is it that you always manage to win so many tickets?” Sun asks, staring disbelievingly at the armful of tickets Sage has.

Sage shrugs.

“Seriously! It’s creepy!” Sun insists. “I’m honestly starting to think you made a deal with the devil or something. No-one has that kind of luck _every single time they go to a game centre_.”

Sage shrugs again, then shoves all the tickets into the bag that Scarlet’s holding, the one that already has two armfuls of tickets in it.

“You won all that on five dollars!” Sun exclaims. “You just keep getting free games and jackpots! It shouldn’t be possible!”

“Sun,” Neptune says, patting a hand on his shoulder, “You’re looking at this the wrong way. You shouldn’t be asking ‘how is it possible’. What you should be asking is ‘should we start making Sage buy lottery tickets’.”

Sun opens his mouth, then shuts it again, slowly nodding. “I like how you think,” he says to Neptune. “What else could we use his unnatural luck for?”

Sage, meanwhile, has wandered off with Scarlet in tow, and set himself down at a new game. He puts a coin in the money slot, and follows the instructions on the screen. He finishes the practice round quickly, and then proceeds to run through the short game with a perfect score.

“It really is impressive.” Scarlet says, swinging the bag back and forwards as Sage finishes the bonus round and tickets start pouring out of the ticket slot.

“Luck,” Sage says, gathering up the tickets and taking the bag from Scarlet.

“Not entirely,” Scarlet says. “You do have pretty good hand-eye coordination. It’s like, at least 40% skill.”

Sage heads towards the ticket counter, but slows when he sees a little girl standing in front of the counter with a small handful of tickets, tears welling in her eyes as she stares longingly at the huge bear on the wall, one that’s almost the same size as her.

Her mother is trying to convince her that she needs to pick something smaller, that she doesn’t have enough tickets and it would cost them far too much to earn enough. Sage bounces the bag of tickets in his hand up and down a few times, considering. Scarlet looks up at him, follows his line of sight, and grins.

“Go on then, you big softy,” they say, slapping his arm. “I know how much you want to.”

Sage looks down at them, asking a silent question.

“It’s cool,” Scarlet says with a shrug. Sun and Nep are big boys, they can deal with not getting their remote control cars or whatever it was you were going to get for them.”

Sage looks back at the little girl, who’s starting to cry in earnest now, although she’s trying hard to keep it together. He nods, and starts heading towards them. Scarlet smiles at his back, then turns around and heads off towards where Sun and Neptune are making a lot of noise. They’re starting to get a bit too rowdy, and Scarlet would prefer to get them out _before_ they make a scene like last time.

Sage stops behind the mother, and pauses for a second, grabbing out a small handful of tickets and shoving them in his pocket. Then he clears his throat, and taps the mother on the shoulder. She turns around, a slightly harried look on her face, which falls into confusion when she sees him standing there.

“Can I help you?” she asks.

He holds out the bag of tickets, and looks between the little girl and the bear.

The mother blinks a few times, before her eyes widen in understanding.

“Really?” she asks, and Sage nods, holding the bag out further.

“Thank you so much,” the mother says gratefully, turning around and bringing her daughter forward. “Look, Cyan, the nice young man is giving you all his tickets!”

Cyan looks up at him with wide, watery eyes, obviously a little intimidated. He squats down to her level, and holds the bag out to her with a gentle smile. She slowly reaches out and takes it, then pulls it back against her chest.

“Thank you mister gween,” she mumbles quietly, smiling shyly at him. He smiles wider and nods, then stands up and nods to the mother, before heading up to the ticket counter and looking at the prizes he can get with the small amount of tickets he kept. He scans the prizes until he spots the perfect one, and hands over his tickets in exchange for it.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scarlet stands outside with Sun and Neptune, holding them by their ears.

“I cannot believe you two thought it would be a good idea for Sun to climb up into the basketball game!” they yell, drawing attention and laughs from people walking past. Scarlet can’t blame them - they must make a pretty funny sight, a five foot seven person holding the ears of two six foot plus boys and yelling at them. “That’s _cheating_. Not to mention setting an extremely bad example! Do you _want_ to get us banned from another place?”

“Scarlet, we were just having a little bit of fun-“ Sun complains, until Scarlet cuts him off by twisting his ear.

“You will not do it again, understand?” they say over Sun’s yelps. Neptune stands as still as possible and doesn’t say a word, trying to avoid Scarlet’s wrath.

“Understood, understood!” Sun squeals.

“Neptune?” Scarlet asks.

“Completely understood.” Neptune says, trying hard to nod without moving his head.

“If I ever find out you’ve done it again, you’ll regret it,” Scarlet warns them, before letting go. They immediately scuttle away, whining and massaging their ears.

Scarlet turns and smiles as Sage comes out of the game centre, and responds to Sage’s raised brow with a shrug.

“We had a minor issue,” they say glibly. “It’s all fixed up now though.”

Sage smiles, shaking his head. He heads off down the road, Scarlet trailing after him, and Sun and Neptune bringing up the rear. Sage pulls the packet of animal stickers out of his pocket, and takes out the first sheet, tucking the rest of them back in his pocket. He peels off the fox sticker and reaches out to press it against Scarlet’s left cheek. They blink in surprise and try to look at it, before looking curiously up at Sage.

“What is it?” they ask.

“Fox,” Sage replies. “Small, cunning, dangerous.”

Scarlet smiles widely, before looking forward again and continuing to walk, humming quietly.

Sage peels off the next two stickers, and puts the sheet away before dropping back between Sun and Neptune. He presses Neptune’s against the side of his neck, and Sun’s in between his collar bones.

“Monkey,” he says, pointing towards Sun’s, “Adventurous, mischievous, friendly.  And dolphin,” he continues, pointing to Neptune’s, “Curious, fast, and intelligent.”

Sun and Neptune smile at each other, then jump onto Sage, each wrapping their arms and legs around an arm. He keeps walking.

“Sage! It’s okay to just come out and say you love us!” Sun exclaims dramatically, pretending his tail is a third hand and using it to swoon dramatically, still hanging off Sage’s arm, much like the monkey he has the parts of.

“You don’t need to hide behind subtle gestures!” Neptune plays along, staring up at Sage with a fake love-struck look on his face.

Sage firmly ignores them and strides after Scarlet, who’s laughing their ass off. Sun and Neptune slowly slide down his arms, then fall off, and have to scramble to their feet and run after Sage and Scarlet.

His own sticker sits in his pocket, still attached to the sheet. A stag - strong, quiet, and protective.

He may pretend otherwise when they’re acting like this, but he wouldn’t trade these idiots for the world.


	6. Skip Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is directly inspired by this tumblr post - ofgeography.tumblr.com/post/97616772891  
> Also, please note that this chapter takes place early in their first year at Haven, so SSSN is still living in the Haven dormitories, not the house they live in in other chapters. They moved into the house in late April.

Freshman Skip Day.

That’s what it’s called. Every year, the second- and third-year students at Haven band together and convince the first-years that the first-years need to pick a day, and on that day, none of them should show up to class. After all, the teachers can’t put an entire year level in detention, can they?

The answer, of course, is that they absolutely can, but none of the first-years know this.

This year, the day picked was March 28th, and despite numerous increasingly urgent and angry emails to all 100 of the first-years, not a single one has shown up to class. A few of the more nervous and academically inclined students had considered it, but had eventually been convinced by their peers to stay in.

\-----------------------------------------

“Hey Neptune, chuck us up a pack of cheezels will you?” Sun asks, flopping his arm off the side of the top bunk and making grabby motions with his hand. Neptune, lying on the bottom bunk, grabs a pack of cheezels and holds it up, then pushes the bag into Sun’s hand and pulls it away just as quickly, leaving Sun to grab at air. Then he does it again, and again, giggling madly.

“Dust damn it, just give me my cheezels!” Sun growls after a minute, pointing a firm finger in what he assumes to be the direction of Neptune’s face. Neptune relents and hands them up, and Sun rips them open, shoving a handful in his mouth.

“Ssshhhh,” Scarlet hisses from a beanbag down on the floor, staring intently at the TV. “Animal Planet’s back on.”

“Why are we watching this stupid show again?” Sun grumbles, tossing another cheezel up into the air and catching it in his mouth. “Meerkats are stupid.”

“Hey,” Scarlet says warningly, turning and pointing up at Sun, “I don’t complain when you want to watch your pro fighting tournaments, don’t complain when I want to watch meerkats.”

“But fights are _fun_.” Sun moans. “Meerkats aren’t.”

“Sun-“

“Sshh,” Sage says suddenly, sitting up from where he’s been lying on the bottom bunk on the other side of the room.

Scarlet turns to Sage with fire in their eyes.

“Excuse me?” they ask. “Do _not_ interrupt my defense of meerkats, Sage, you know that never ends well-“

“Do you hear that?” Sage asks, cutting over Scarlet again.

“Hear what?” Sun asks, poking his head over the edge of the bunk bed.

“That!” Sage replies, and they all fall quiet. In the silence, they can suddenly hear their dorm advisor, Jade, knocking on doors in the hallway outside and telling students to get to class or _else_.

They stay frozen for a split second, and then Scarlet lets out a strangled “Hide!”, and they all move with the speed that only teenagers trying to avoid both trouble and responsibilities can achieve.

Neptune scuttles into the closet, and watches from a gap in the doors as Scarlet scrambles up onto the top bunk bed above Sage and curls up in the corner underneath the blanket lying there, where a tiny person like Scarlet can actually hide and not be seen, and Sage dives for the window and clambers through, then clings to the fire escape to the left of the window where no-one will see him unless they stick their head out of said window. Sun is already out of sight.

“SSSN?” Jade calls, knocking on the door. “SSSN, I know you’re in there. I heard you talking not even ten seconds ago.”

She can’t come in if we don’t answer her, Neptune thinks to himself, scrunching up into a tighter ball inside the small closet. It was definitely not made for hiding 6’3” boys with long legs.

The door opens, and Neptune can hear her stepping into the room. Dust.

“Neptune,” she says, and he can hear her tapping her foot. “You’re too big to fit into the closet properly. Come out.”

Not a chance, Neptune thinks to himself. Until you see me, you can’t prove that I’m definitely here. I am Schrodinger’s student.

“Neptune-“ Jade says, before she’s interrupted by a loud, creaking groan, kind of like the sound a tree branch makes before it slowly snaps off.

Neptune blinks, and sticks his head out of the closet. Scarlet pokes their head up out of the blanket pile. Sage sticks his head cautiously back in the window.

“….where’s Sun?” Neptune asks with a growing feeling of dread.

“Um…” Scarlet replies, their eyes drifting upwards.

Neptune looks up towards the roof, where there’s a large bulge slowly moving downwards.

“Oh no.” Neptune says succinctly, right as the thin roof breaks completely under Sun’s weight.

Neptune watches Sun fall, almost in slow motion. He can almost _see_ the thoughts flying through Sun’s head.

‘Oh no.’

‘What have I done?’

‘This was a mistake.’

‘I regret the decisions I made that led me here.’

‘Is there a way out of this?’

‘Are those Redskins on Neptune’s bed?’

‘Has he been hiding those from me and just giving me cheezels? Neptune how could you.’

‘Oh Dust.’

Then Sun hits the floor, bounces back up a good half metre, hits the ground again, and then just lies there.

Jade stares at him. Neptune, still mostly in the closet, stares at him. Sage, still hanging out the window, stares at him. Scarlet, curled up in the corner of the top bunk, stares at him.

As the dust settles around him, Sun slowly sits up, blinking owlishly. Neptune wouldn’t be surprised if he has a concussion.

“......hi, Jade,” Sun says. “I feel like I should explain.”


	7. Sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by this wonderful post by papanorth - papanorth.tumblr.com/post/99594985066

“I thingk I’b sig,” Sage says as he shuffles into the kitchen, wrapped in his blankets and looking miserable.

Scarlet looks up from the table and blinks.

“…..it’s the middle of summer.” they say, lifting their spoon out of their cereal and pointing it at him.

Sage shrugs, then sneezes explosively three times in a row. He sniffs, and wipes at his nose with his sleeve.

“I’b still sig.” he replies. “And id’s going to get worse.”

Sage has only really been sick once or twice in the time that SSSN has been together, and he’s right, it always gets worse. _Much_ worse. Last time, he passed out halfway home, and then spent the next five days moaning about the mini Ursa that were supposedly running wild in his room, in between his bouts of basically vomiting up half his internal organs.

“Alright, let’s get you into bed and see if we can’t head it off early or something,” Scarlet says, pushing away from the table and standing up. “I’ll get Neptune to make Sick Soup.”

“Don’d dry and help.” Sage mumbles, turning and shuffling after Scarlet as they walk past and grab a handful of his blankets, leading him along.

“I _know_ , don’t worry.” Scarlet says, rolling their eyes. “Trust me, after last week’s fiasco, it’s going to be at _least_ two weeks before I try anything more complicated than toast.”

“Sdill don’t know how you managed do burn wader.” Sage mumbles, stepping up the stairs carefully.

“It’s a thing that happens sometimes, okay?” Scarlet says in a snippy voice, pulling on the blankets to keep Sage upright as he starts to sway gently. “No, come on, not on the stairs. Ten more steps, _then_ you can start nearly falling over, ‘kay?”

“Nod feeling good.” Sage replies, sneezing and nearly tipping forward. Scarlet pulls hard at the blankets, and manages to turn the fall into a rush up the last few steps, just barely.

“Come on big guy.” they say, pushing their shoulder against his side to keep him from falling over. “We’re nearly there. Keep walking.”

“Dired.” Sage grumbles, dragging his feet along and listing badly to one side.

“I know, I know.” Scarlet says, grimacing from the effort of trying to keep Sage fairly vertical. They were _not_ made to support someone a foot taller and nearly 65 pounds heavier than them. “You just gotta make it to the bed, then you can sleep.”

“Sleeeeeeeb.”  Sage groans, falling further to the side and slamming Scarlet up against the wall.

“Ow, ow, ow,” Scarlet mutters quietly, trying to push Sage back upright.

“……okay, new plan.” they say after a minute, pushing Sage sideways and trying to keep his fall slow as he heads for the floor. They kind of manage it. Sage is probably too out of it to care. “I’m going to _drag_ your freakishly tall self to the bedroom, because apparently you can’t stay upright long enough to get there on your own.”

Sage snores in response.

“Aaaaand you’re already asleep.” Scarlet says, shaking their head. “I’m so glad you don’t get sick often.”

They grab a handful of blankets from either side of Sage’s head, plant their feet firmly into the carpet, and heave as hard as they can, and slowly Sage starts to move down the hallway towards Scarlet’s room. He can’t sleep in the hammock while he’s sick, which leaves out his and Sun’s rooms, and there’s not a chance in Dust they could get him up onto Neptune’s bed, so their bed it is. They’ll take the couch.

“You’re. So. Heavy!” they grunt out as they slowly haul him down the hallway, his clogged up snores punctuating their efforts.

It takes them nearly two minutes to drag Sage the four metres to their bedroom door.

 “You’d better appreciate this.” they grumble, opening their door and dragging him slowly inside until he’s at the end of the bed. Then they let go, and look between the bed, the top of it a good forty centimetres off the ground, and Sage, dead to the world on the floor. There’s no way they can get him up there.

“Sage. Hey, Sage.” they say, leaning down and gently slapping the side of his face. “Wake up. Just long enough to get on the bed, come on. Sage!”

Sage slowly blinks his eyes open, and squints blearily up at Scarlet.

“Okay, Sage, I just need you to get up onto the bed, alright? Can you do that?” Scarlet asks, jumping up and pulling the sheets and doona on their bed back so they’ll be able to pull them over Sage when he gets up on their bed. “Come on, ten seconds. That’s all I need.” They start pulling him up, poking and prodding at him to keep him awake as he slowly crawls onto the bed. He flops down as soon as he reaches the pillows, pulling his blankets tight around him and closing his eyes again.

“….I’m not doing that again if you need to go to the toilet later.” Scarlet mutters, pulling their sheets and doona up over his body and tucking them in around him. “Sun and Neptune can do it.”

They grab the bin from in the corner of their room and put it on the bed beside Sage, well within easy reach if he wakes up and needs to vomit.

Then they head for the door, already planning out setting up their bed on the couch, getting Neptune to bring home the groceries needed for the soup, and how to keep Neptune and Sun as far away from Sage as much as possible. They don’t need three people to look after. Scarlet’s most likely going to get sick anyway, but it won’t be until after Sage is better.

They stop at the door, and turn back to look at the blanket-covered lump that's Sage.

“Get well soon, Sage.”


	8. Hangovers

The first thing Neptune feels when he wakes up is pain, like his head is being split apart from the inside.

“Ooooowwwwww,” he moans, rolling over and rubbing his forehead against the carpet in a futile attempt to ease the pounding.

After a minute, he slowly pushes himself into a sitting position, squinting and groaning as a shaft of light from the window falls on his face. He scoots himself backwards out of the light, and after a few tries manages to work his eyes open without feeling like a rail spike is being stabbed through his head. There's a bottle of water on the floor beside him, and he grabs it with a silent thank you to whoever had put it there, and opens it up and drinks half of it in one go. Then he screws the lid back onto the bottle and drops it down beside him, and rubs his eyes to clear them before opening them again to look around the lounge room.

Sage is spreadeagled on the couch, and Sun’s lying on his back over the top of the bookshelf against the wall, his head dangling off one side and his legs from the knees down dangling off the other. Scarlet is nowhere to be seen.

“I think we went a bit overboard last night,” he mutters to himself, slowly getting to his feet. He staggers over to Sage and starts nudging his shoulder, trying to wake him up.

“Sage,” he says, soft enough that it doesn’t make his head feel like it’s cracking open. “Sage, wake up.”

Sage grumbles and throws his right arm over his face, nearly punching Neptune in the process.

“Go ‘way.” he mumbles, flapping his left hand in Neptune’s direction.

“Scarlet’s not here,” Neptune says, still pushing at Sage’s broad shoulder.

Sage groans, then slowly sits up.

“What do you _mean_ , Scarlet isn’t here?” he grumbles, massaging his forehead.

“I mean they’re not here!” Neptune says, sweeping a hand over the room. “I woke up and they weren’t here.”

“They came home with us,” Sage says, squinting past his hand to look at the room.

“You _remember_ coming home?” Neptune asks. “I'm impressed. I only remember the first four hours of the party, everything after that's a blur.”

“I'm bigger than you.” Sage grunts, slowly standing up and stretching. Neptune winces at the harsh cracks that come from Sage’s back as he bends. “I can drink more.” He pauses, then tilts his head to the left and then the right, more loud cracks filling the air. “Scarlet matched us all drink for drink. I’m surprised they made it home on their own feet.”

“Please stop doing that,” Neptune says, shuddering.

“What, this?” Sage asks with a wicked grin, cracking his neck again.

“You’re horrible.” Neptune tells him, standing back up off the couch and heading over to wake Sun. The headache’s slowly starting to recede, but it still hurts.

“Hey Sun,” he calls up, tugging on Sun’s dangling foot. “Wake up.”

Sun doesn’t bother to reply, just kicks out with his foot, aiming for Neptune’s face. Neptune avoids it easily and grabs Sun’s ankle, and yanks down hard. Sun comes flying off the bookcase with a yelp, and hits the floor with a thud. He groans, then slowly starts pushing himself up off the floor.

“What the dust was that for?!” he whispers viciously, kicking out at Neptune’s ankles.

“You tried to kick me,” Neptune replies, stepping back. “You still are, in fact. Stop it.”

“Ssshhhhh,” Sun hisses, wincing. “Loud. No.”

“Suck it up, monkey boy,” Neptune says, although he does lower his voice a bit. “We have to find Scarlet.”

“Scarlet?” Sun asks, squinting up at Neptune. “Move left.”

Neptune rolls his eyes, but does as he’s asked and moves left, blocking the sun from Sun’s face. “Yes, Scarlet. They got drunk with us at the party last night, remember? Sage says he remembers them coming home with us, but they’re not here now.”

Sun blinks owlishly.

“What do you mean they’re not here?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.

“I mean, there were three bodies in this room when I woke up, and none of them were Scarlet.” Neptune replies.

“Are they up in their room?” Sun asks, yawning and scratching the back of his head.

Neptune blinks.

“Did you _check_ in their room before you woke us all up?” Sun asks, crossing his arms.

“….no,” Neptune admits, looking away.

“You wanna go do that now?” Sun asks, lying back down and throwing his arm over his eyes.

“You’re really annoying sometimes, you know that?” Neptune says, nudging Sun’s side with his foot as he walks past.

“Yeah, I know.” Sun replies, swiping at Neptune’s foot. Neptune hops over the arm and continues to the door, shuddering as he hears Sage crack his back again.

“Stop doing that!” he calls back as he heads out the door towards the stairs. Sage snickers behind him as he starts up the stairs.

“Scarlet?” he calls as he reaches the top of the stairs and heads for his door. Might as well check all the rooms – if Scarlet did make it up here, they could be in any of them.

“Scarlet? You in here?” he asks, cracking open his door. The room is exactly like he left it, though, and there’s no sign of Scarlet anywhere. He shuts the door, and moves on to Sun’s room.

“Scarlet?” There’s no reply, and Sun’s room is still.

“Scaaaaarlet.” Their own room is messy, but empty of hung over redheads.

“Where are you, you Dust damned idiot?” Sage’s room is clear.

The bathroom is also empty, and Neptune sighs in defeat before heading back downstairs, checking the kitchen and the storage closet under the stairs before returning to the lounge room.

“I couldn’t find them,” he says as he walks back into the lounge room. Sun is sitting on the couch, and Sage is behind him, giving him a back massage. Neptune can imagine that Sun’s back is pretty sore from spending all night half hanging off the top of a bookcase. “And yes, I checked _all_ the rooms.”

They both look up and frown.

“Where could they be then?” Sun asks, his tail lashing agitatedly.

“I don’t know! They could be anywhere!” Neptune says, throwing his hands up. "They could be lying in a ditch somewhere!"

"Don't worry," Sage says, rubbing at a particularly hard knot in Sun's back. "We'll find them. And they  _can_ look after themselves."

"That's not the point!" Neptune says. "You said they were absolutely off their face. You _know_ how much trouble drunk people get in!"    

He paces around the lounge room a few times, then stops. “Scarlet! Where the Dust are you?!” he yells in frustration.

There’s a startled squawk from outside, and then something falls past the window. Neptune blinks. Was that….?

He heads over to the window and pushes it open, then pokes his head out. Below the window, in the soft bed of the thankfully empty garden, is Scarlet, face down in the dirt.

“……were you on the roof?" Neptune asks in disbelief.

Scarlet lifts one of their hands and gives him a thumbs up.

"How the Dust did you get on the roof?” he asks, leaning out.

Scarlet rolls over and sits up, spits out a mouthful of dirt, and then looks up and shrugs.

“No idea!” they say happily. “I think I might still be a bit drunk though, because that probably should have hurt a bit more than it did.”

“How much did it hurt?” Neptune asks curiously.

“Not at all!” Scarlet cheers, punching their fists into the air.

“Yeah, you’re still drunk.” Neptune says, reaching out a hand. “Come on, let’s get you inside.”

“I’m really _really_ hungry.” Scarlet says, taking Neptune’s hand. “Is there any bacon?”

“Yeah, there’s some bacon,” Neptune says, hauling them inside. They collapse awkwardly onto the floor in a heap, limbs flopping everywhere.

“Bacooooooonnnnnnn!” they cheer as they right themselves, standing up with a wobble. “Bacon, bacon, bacon!”

“Yeah, alright, you tiny little drunk. Let’s go get you your bacon.” Neptune says with a grin, wrapping an arm around Scarlet’s shoulders and steering them towards the door.

“Yaaaaaay!” Scarlet warbles, throwing their hands up in the air.

"Come on," Neptune calls back to Sage and Sun. "I can't cook  _and_ keep Scarlet out of trouble."

"You can't cook at all." Scarlet says seriously, tripping over their feet. "Oops!"

Neptune catches them before they hit the ground, and hauls them back up. "Come on, up we go."

"You're......you're all so  _tall_ ," Scarlet says, reaching up to run their hand from the top of the head across to Neptune's chin. "...'s not fair."

"You're just short," Neptune says honestly, leading them into the kitchen.

"I'm not short!" Scarlet protests, puffing their cheeks out in annoyance. "'m fun-sized!"

"You're like a tiny little firecracker," Sun says behind them as Neptune wrangles Scarlet into one of the chairs at the table. They start sliding down under the table a few times, but he eventually manages to get them into a steady position.

"You're going to be so hung over when you sober up," Sun says as he sits down opposite them, throwing a dish cloth over his head to block out the bright sun that fills the kitchen.

Neptune snickers. His own headache is almost gone, and Sage is already cooking the first lot of bacon in the pan, the delicious smell wafting through the kitchen. They had a great time last night, even if they can’t all remember everything, and they’re going to spend today eating bacon and lying around doing nothing. Things are good.

Until Scarlet pipes up.

“I think I'm going to be sick.”


	9. They

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SLURS, ATTEMPTED VIOLENCE, AND ATTEMPTED NON-CONSENSUAL TOUCHING. IF ANY OF THESE THINGS UPSET YOU, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER.
> 
> This chapter was inspired by this ask to miss-nerdgamsz (miss-nerdgasmz.tumblr.com/post/96482363624), and eeast-ringer.tumblr.com, who pushed me to get it finished, not that they know it :P

Sun and Neptune are at the library, desperately cramming for tomorrow’s test, the one for the class they’ve been goofing off in for the last two weeks, and Sage is at home, making dinner for everyone. Scarlet _was_ with Sun and Neptune, keeping them on track, but after three hours of trying to keep Sun’s tail from sweeping things off the desk and getting into things it shouldn’t have been in, they’d decided that it was time to go home and eat, or else they were going to use his tail to strangle him to death.

They’re walking down a fairly empty road, and it’s just dark enough that the streetlights are starting to flicker on. Music and voices are starting to float out of the bars and clubs that litter this area of the city, and people are already beginning to stagger around in little groups, drunk off their faces and singing wildly.

Scarlet grins as they watch a particularly exuberant girl heading the other way tell a story to her friends, nearly tripping over her own feet as she waves her arms wildly.

“Hey Red,” a voice says from the doorway they’ve just passed, the scent of alcohol wafting over them. “How’s it goin’?”

Scarlet steps away and turns around, and nods politely at the man who’s stepped forward into their personal space. He’s definitely had a few drinks, but not enough to greatly impair his motor skills, if his lack of swaying is anything to go by.

“Evening,” Scarlet says, smiling politely. They don’t feel particularly comfortable, but maybe if they’re polite he’ll leave them alone.

“So are you just a really girly guy, or are you a chick that’s dressed like a dude?” the guy asks, laughing.

“Neither, actually.” Scarlet replies tightly, the smile falling from their face.

“Oh, so you’re one of those freaks?” the guy asks. “The ones that’re tryin’ to hide their bits?”

“Don’t call me that.” Scarlet says, gritting their teeth.

“Why? You sayin’ that’s not what you are?” the guy asks, reaching out to paw at Scarlet’s chest.

“Don’t touch me,” Scarlet hisses, stepping back and slapping the hand away.

“Come on, don’t be like that!” the guy says, laughing again. “I just wanna know what you’re hiding!” He takes another step forward and reaches out again, this time for Scarlet’s crotch.

“I said stop it!” Scarlet repeats loudly, grabbing the hand and twisting it outwards, then pushing the guy’s chest with their other hand. “It’s none of your business!”

The guy staggers back half a step, but quickly recovers, and steps forward again, and he’s getting angry now.

“Hey, bitch, what’s you problem!?” he asks, an ugly sneer on his face. “You should be happy I’m even interested in you!”

 “Back off!” Scarlet spits, taking a few steps backwards. Tears are starting to form and fall from their eyes, but they’re _so angry_ and _scared_. This hasn’t happened in months, and they’d stupidly thought that maybe it wouldn’t happen again.

The guy steps after them, and they turn and bolt, just wanting to get away from the situation as soon as possible. It takes a few seconds, but Scarlet hears the guy come after them, shouting slurs and curses. They put their head down and run faster.

As they round the corner, they run headfirst into a large body and fall hard onto the ground. They look up and to their relief, brown skin, green hair, and a white coat swim blurrily into view. Sage. They scramble to their feet as the sound of footsteps come closer, and scurry behind Sage, grabbing onto the back of his coat and huddling close. They feel silly, like a little child, but all that matters at the moment is that Sage will look after them.

The guy comes around the corner and skids to a stop when he comes face-to-chest with six feet eight inches of muscle.

“Hey man,” he says in a jovial tone, smiling widely. “You see a little redhead come by here?”

“Get lost.” Sage growls, putting a hand behind him and wrapping it protectively around Scarlet’s back.

“Come on man, I just wanna have a little fun, find out what the little freak is,” the guy says in a cajoling voice. “You can have second go if you want.”

“Get. _Lost_.” Sage repeats, clenching the hand in front of him into a tight fist, one that’s shaking with rage. “Or wake up in the hospital.”

The man slowly scans Sage from top to bottom, and Scarlet can almost _hear_ the exact moment that his tiny little brain finally clicks over and decides that it’s probably not worth it.

“Whatever man,” he says with a shrug, backing away lazily. “You want it? Feel free. It’s probably got weird junk anyway.”

Scarlet bites their lip and buries their head deeper into Sage’s back. The footsteps slowly fade away, but neither of them move until the sound is gone entirely.

Sage turns around and gently wraps an arm around Scarlet’s shoulders, then guides them away. He leads them into a clean little alley off the street and into the deep doorway halfway down, then leans against the door and pulls Scarlet against him, tucking their head against his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He doesn’t say a word as they grab tight fistfuls of his coat, or when they start crying in earnest. He just hums, quietly, resting his chin on the top of their head and rubbing his hand up and down their back. After a while, their crying slowly starts to taper off, leaving them sniffing and hiccupping. He waits until they’re done, until they feel collected enough to pull away from him.

“Home?” he asks quietly, cupping their face gently in his hands.

They nod, wiping their face with the back of their hand.

“Yes please.” they say quietly.

“Come on then,” he says, turning and squatting down slightly, offering them his back. They climb on and settle down, clinging like a koala as he starts walking for home.

“Hey Sage?” they say quietly into his ear a few blocks later.

“Yeah?” he asks, turning into their street.

“Thanks.” they say, tightening their arms around his neck in a hug.

“Any time.” Sage replies, gently nudging his head sideways against Scarlet’s. “I’ll always do my best to look after you three.”

“I know.” Scarlet says with a small smile, closing their eyes. "You're the best."


	10. Haircuts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by miss-nerdgasmz's headcanon about Scarlet being the team hairdresser (miss-nerdgasmz.tumblr.com/post/92852386674)

“Suuuuuuun,” Scarlet calls, treading quietly down the hall outside the bedrooms. “You can’t hide forever. Come out now, and things will be a lot easier. For everyone.” They stop and stand still, tilting their head towards every little noise that they hear. After a minute, one of the noises stands out above the rest. It’s a creak of wood from above, like someone’s shifted their weight on the less-than-stellar flooring of the tiny attic. Scarlet looks up and narrows their eyes, and waits. Sure enough, the noise comes again not even a minute later.

“Gotcha,” Scarlet whispers with a grin, turning around and signalling to Sage, who’s standing at the top of the stairs. Sage nods, and then he starts stomping his way down the stairs while Scarlet silently glides over to stand under the trapdoor to the attic, then pulls it down carefully. Thank Dust Neptune oiled the hinges last time they cleaned. They jump up and grab onto the edge of the hole, then slowly pull themselves up, careful to make as little noise as possible. Sage comes back into sight below them as they steady themselves, having crept back up the stairs. They nod down to him, wait for their sight to adjust, then slowly scan the attic. Nothing, nothing, nothing…… _there_.

The tip of Sun’s tail is poking out from behind a pile of boxes near the corner, flicking gently every few seconds.

Scarlet activates their semblance, leans forward from their crouch and starts silently moving forward on their hands and the balls of their feet, careful to avoid the places where they know the roof creaks terribly. They might be practically ‘invisible’, but Sun will still be able to hear them if they make too much noise. They slowly move around the attic, circling around Sun, and creep closer once they’re past him. There’s a small wall of boxes in between them and Sun, with a gap down the bottom just big enough for Scarlet to fit through. They grin widely to themselves. This is going to be good.

They slowly creep through the gap and get themselves ready, stifling their giggles.

Three, two, and….one.

“Boo.” They whisper into Sun’s ear, releasing their semblance and looming out of the darkness.

Sun lets out an unearthly shriek and shoots nearly four feet straight up in the air, limbs flailing everywhere. When he lands back on the ground he takes off for the trapdoor, screeching and knocking things over, leaving a huge mess in his wake. He dives out the trapdoor headfirst, and Scarlet grins widely when they hear a surprised yell from Sun, and grunts of effort from Sage.

“Did you get him?” they ask, scuttling to the trapdoor and peering down.

Sage looks up and nods past a squirming armful of unhappy Faunus.

“It worked!” Scarlet cheers, standing up to throw their hands up in celebration, then letting out a squawk of pain as they slam their head into the low roof.

“Oooowww….” they moan, squatting down and clutching the top of their head in their hands.

“Serves you right!” Sun yells, glaring balefully up at Scarlet from his current position – upside down in Sage’s arms, with one leg hooked over Sage’s shoulder and the other foot pressed up against his jaw.

“Shut up, monkey boy!” Scarlet says, squinting one eye open and staring back down at Sun. “You gave it your best shot, but we got you. And now you’re going to get your hair cut.”

“I don’t want my hair cut!” Sun yells, renewing his struggles.

“Too bad!” Scarlet replies firmly, sliding down through the trapdoor. “I’ve done mine, I’ve done Sage’s, and I’ve done Neptune’s. You’re all that’s left.”

“It’s fine!” Sun yells.

“It is not!” Scarlet says, pulling the trapdoor shut. “Come on Sage, Neptune’s waiting in the bathroom with duct tape.”

“NO!” Sun yells, renewing his efforts. “I DON’T WANT IT CUT! SET ME FREE YOU OVERGROWN PLANT!”

“Don’t you dare let him go,” Scarlet says, pulling open the bathroom door and ushering Sage inside, careful to avoid Sun’s flailing feet as they follow him inside and shut the door behind them. It’s really, _really_ cramped inside the bathroom with the four of them in there, but it works out in their favour – there’s less room for Sun to try and evade them in. “Neptune, get his arms.”

“Come on, Sun,” Neptune says, squeezing around Sage. “Just let it happen. You know you never win.”

“I WILL NEVER SURRENDER!” Sun yells, still thrashing. Neptune sighs.

“You brought this on yourself, dude.” he says, reaching out with the tape. Sage has managed to pin Sun’s arms against his sides, and Neptune wraps the tape around and around Sun’s body, sticky side out, until it’s thick enough that Sun can only move his lower arms. He does so straight away, flipping both middle fingers up at Neptune.

“You’re a _traitor_.” he says, glaring through his shaggy hair at Neptune.

“Sun, you _can’t see properly_ past your hair.” Neptune says patiently. “It’s time for a haircut.”

“I can see fine!” Sun howls.

“You ran into a wall yesterday.” Scarlet says, picking up their hair scissors from the sink.

“That has absolutely nothing to do with my hair!” Sun denies, straining backwards in a futile attempt to get away from the scissors.

“Sage, hold his head still.” Scarlet says, moving closer. “If he keeps trying to move he’s going to lose an ear.”

“Nooooo!” Sun howls as Sage grabs the sides of his face in a gentle but firm hold, and Scarlet moves in and starts trimming away. “NOOOOOOOO!”

“Stop being such a drama monkey.” Neptune says over Scarlet’s shoulder, rolling his eyes. “You know you always feel better after it’s been clipped.”

Sun whines pitifully as hairs start falling from his head, cut expertly by Scarlet’s skilled hands.

“Nooooooooo,” he moans quietly, sagging in the chair.

“If you stop complaining, Neptune will make you cookies after, how about that.” Scarlet says, clipping carefully around Sun’s ears. If they so much as accidentally scratch him, they’ll never hear the end of it.

“….the ones with chocolate bits in them?” Sun asks cautiously.

“Yep,” Scarlet replies. “As many chocolate bits as you want.”

“I want a whole bowlful.” Sun says immediately.

“You’re so greedy,” Scarlet mutters, cutting away the shaggy fringe that covers Sun’s eyes section by section.

“You said as many as I wanted.” Sun says with a shrug.

“That doesn’t mean you aren’t greedy.” Scarlet retorts, running their free hand through Sun’s hair to find any patches they missed. They clip the few sections they missed, then brush all the loose hairs off his head and shoulders onto the floor. “There, you’re done, and it didn’t even take five minutes.” they say, cutting the tape. “Was that so hard?”

“ _Yes_.” Sun says, pulling the tape off him and scrunching it up into a ball. He weaves and squeezes past the three of them and out into the hall, then takes off for his room and climbs out the window, clambering up onto the roof.

In the bathroom, Scarlet shakes their head and grabs the dustpan, and starts sweeping up the green, blue, red, and yellow hairs strewn about the bathroom floor.

“He’s ridiculous.” they mutter, pushing Sage and Neptune out of the small room. “Neptune, you should probably go and get started on some cookies, or he’s going to be unbearable for ages.”

“On it boss,” Neptune says with a grin, skipping over Scarlet’s arm as they swipe at him half-heartedly.

“Get lost, you idiot.” they say, rolling their eyes. “Or I’ll tell Sun you’re going to make the cookies raisin instead of chocolate.”

“Alright, alright,” Neptune laughs, raising his hands in surrender as he heads off down the hall, Sage trailing behind him. “No more calling you boss, got it.”

“Get cooking, nerd!” Scarlet calls after them with a smile, before going back to sweeping up the hairs.

The exact same thing will happen next month, of course, but they’ll deal with that when it comes. They haven’t been defeated yet.


	11. Paperwork

Scarlet takes a bite out of their pastry, their legs swinging idly over the edge of the docks as they watch airships fly over their head towards the other side of the bay.

“Do you think we should go help?” they ask, cocking their head to the side. The sirens are kind of annoying.

“Nah,” Sage replies, pulling another sandwich out of the bag. “They’ll be fine.” He scrolls down his datapad with his free hand, reading all the situation updates that are being broadcast over the network. “There’s already two junior teams there, and a second-year team, as well as Sun and Neptune. Three Beacon teachers, a….dog? And a squad of Atlesian Knights on the way.”

“Yeah, they’ll be fine.” Scarlet agrees, taking another bite of the pastry. It’s apple, and it’s really good.

They continue eating, watching with mild interest as dying Nevermores start falling out of the sky, and plumes of dust and smoke shoot straight up into the air, and finally as the Atlesian Knights jump out of their airships and fall towards the ground.

“We should probably start heading back,” Sage says eventually, checking the time on his datapad. “Lunch break’s nearly over.”

“Yeah, alright.” Scarlet replies, standing up and stretching. “Ugh, I don’t want to have to sit and sort through old files for another four hours.”

“Could be worse,” Sage says with a shrug. “We could be stuck working directly with the chief.”

“That is very true.” Scarlet says. “Hey, and thanks for staying with me, by the way.” they add as the two of them gather their lunch debris up and start heading back for the police station. “If I’d had to stay behind and do paperwork by myself just because some stupid police chief thought I was ‘too small to look after myself if something goes wrong’, I probably would have ended up burning the place down by lunchtime.”

“The guy’s an idiot.” Sage says. “The way he made those badges sound so important is _really_ going to Sun and Neptune’s heads.”

“Total idiot.” Scarlet say in agreement. “And did you see that thing above his lip? It looks like a giant caterpillar died there!” They laugh loudly, and Sage grins in agreement.

“Seriously though,” they say when they’ve caught their breath again, “I can’t wait until this job is over. No more police chief, no more paperwork and old, dusty files, Sun and Neptune’s egos back to normal……”

“It’s certainly something to look forward to,” Sage says.

They come to a stop outside the police station, and take in deep breaths of the last fresh air they’ll have for a while.

“Come on, we might as well get on with it.” Sage says, striding forwards into the station.

“Uuuuugh,” Scarlet moans, reluctantly trudging in after him.

“We’re already getting in plenty of paperwork from the incident over the other side of the bay, and a new stack of documents from the Vytal Festival came in while you two were out,” the receptionist says, tapping away at her computer without stopping. “Please have them sorted and filed away correctly as promptly as you can.”

Scarlet moans again, a little louder, but follows Sage through to the musty file room.

“This _sucks_.” they say, flopping down into the hard plastic chair at their desk and eyeing the pile of papers they have to deal with, which seems to have doubled in size since they left.

“If you get it all done, I’ll make stir-fry for dinner.” Sage says, already halfway through his first sheet.

“The really good one with the beef and snow peas and noodles?” Scarlet asks with renewed interest.

“Mhmm,” Sage replies.

“….alright.” Scarlet says, grabbing the first sheet of paper. Sage’s stir-fry is _totally_ worth four hours of paperwork, no question about it.

If that stupid chief comes in and starts complaining about their handwriting not being good enough again, though, they’re _definitely_ going to burn something.


	12. Horror

Sun, and Neptune both scream their lungs out when the screen suddenly goes fuzzy and the speakers start blaring static, and Scarlet flies over the back of the chair and lands flat on their face in their attempt to get away from the computer. Sage calmly turns his character left, and heads away from the tall character he can see in the corner of the screen.

‘GO FASTER,” Sun screeches, his arms wrapping around Neptune’s neck in a terrified chokehold.

“He’ll track me quicker if I go faster,” Sage replies, heading for the tankers he can see in the distance. “It’s fine.”

“No it’s not!” Neptune chokes out, pulling at Sun’s arms.

“Why are we playing this game?!” Scarlet wails, scrambling behind the couch on the other side of the room and wedging themselves in the corner.

“Because you bet me twenty lien that I couldn’t get through it,” Sage says, making a pleased noise as he rounds the corner of one of the middle tankers and finds a note. That’s six now. Only two to go.

“I’ll give you thirty if you stop playing it right now!” Scarlet yells, their hand creeping over the back of the couch to grab the blanket and pull it down over themselves. Blankets will protect them from the monster.

“Nah. I want to finish it.” Sage says mildly, glancing down at the list he’d written of places the notes are often found. Maybe there’s one in the toilet blocks? He’ll head there and have a look.

“Why on Remnant would you _want_ to finish it?” Neptune shrieks, his face beginning to turn blue as he futilely tries to tug Sun’s arms from around his neck.

“It’s fun.” Sage replies, shrugging.

“NO IT’S NOT.” Sun screeches.

“Sure it is.” Sage says. “It’s a challenge.”

“There’s _other_ challenging things you could do, you know,” comes Scarlet’s shrill voice from behind the couch.

Sage hums. “I really don’t think anything else would be quite this fun.” he says, snickering quietly as Neptune’s choking noises get more urgent. “You may want to loosen up just a tiny bit, Sun,” he points out. “I don’t think Neptune can survive without air.”

The screen starts fuzzing again and the static noise slowly starts leaking out of the speakers as he enters the left bathroom, and Sun and Neptune both start screeching, their words mixing together into an ear-splitting cacophony of ‘where is it’, ‘get the fuck away from it’, and ‘I hate this so much’, along with a sprinkling of swearwords that would make an old sailor proud. Scarlet, in the background, is merely a constant high pitched whining.

He turns around the last corner in the bathroom, and with a sharp staticky screech, his computer screen is suddenly filled with a large white head and suited shoulders.

Sun screams. Neptune screams. Scarlet, behind the couch and unable to even _see_ the damn screen, screams.

“Damn.” Sage says, tapping at the back arrow key as the screams around him slowly taper off. “I was so close.”

“Does this mean we’re done? It’s over?” Scarlet asks hopefully, their head popping up over the back of the couch.

Sage pauses for a second.

“Nah,” he decides, grinning as he clicks on ‘New Game’. “I’m going to keep playing until I win.”

His grin only gets wider as he listens to the three of them wail mournfully.


	13. Chocolate

“Why do the mini m&ms taste so much better than the big ones?” Sun asks, throwing a handful into his mouth and crunching down on them.

“Because of the square-cube law.” Neptune says absently, grabbing a few out of the bowl and chucking them into his mouth, then going back to writing down the conclusion for his essay.

“The what?” Sun asks, blinking.

“The square-cube law.” Neptune repeats, looking up. “As something decreases in volume, its surface area decreases as well, but not as quickly, by the square of the scaling factor instead of by the cube, so smaller m&ms have a higher candy to chocolate ratio than the normal ones.”

“You know what?” Sun says after a few seconds of staring at Neptune. “I was _gonna_ call you a nerd, but that’s actually kind of interesting.”

“Well, if you’re not going to call him a nerd, I will.” Scarlet says from the floor in front of the couch, grabbing a handful of m&ms and pelting them at Neptune one after the other. “You’re a _massive_ nerd.”

“I just pay attention in maths!” Neptune says defensively, batting the m&ms away. “Stop that!”

“You’re a nerd!” Scarlet crows, throwing them faster. Sun reaches out every now and then to catch one and pop it in his mouth, watching in amusement as Neptune tries to stop the delicious assault.

“Neptune being a nerd again?” Sage asks as he wanders into the room and flops down on the couch next to Sun.

“Yep,” Sun replies, flicking his tail out of the way as Neptune jumps off the couch and tackles Scarlet with a shrieking war cry. “He’s talking about _maths_ ‘n shit.” He grabs a handful of m &ms out of the bowl and gently tosses them over the tangle of limbs rolling around in front of the couch.

“If those melt into the carpet you’re paying for it to be cleaned.” Sage says, grabbing a handful for himself and tossing them in his mouth. “Have you ever wondered why the mini m&ms taste so much better than the big ones?”

\-----

Sun tells them later that he didn’t _mean_ to knock the bowl off the couch and onto Scarlet’s head. It was an _accident_ , alright, he was laughing too hard and it just got knocked over. It totally wasn’t his fault.


End file.
